Tidbits
=======================
The first year I was there some poor secretary emailed the entire department pay rates to the entire department.
Interesting.
For the whole year, TG and BG had been ribbing me because I was the lowest paid person hired in that group.
I didn't care. I knew I wasn't qualified and was still hired.
Then the pay rates came out.
WE ALL MADE THE SAME THING.
We were all "lowest paid."
Some friends....
==========================
It's not that I hated HR at Compaq.
I hate all harmful, wasteful organizations.
Another example:
Training could not have 'tests'.
That word was too "stressful" and it would be embarrassing for someone to fail a test.
Even the tech that works on computers.
So we had "knowledge assessments."
But no tests.
and........................................
I wrote a review of an employee.
She went through a full term of a difficult pregnancy without missing a beat.
Incredible effort.
I said something to the effect:
"Even though she experienced a long, difficult pregnancy, she performed above the department average and never missed a day. She is to be commended."
I couldn't use that.
HR told me I was not allow to acknowledge that I knew she was pregnant.
?????
How the hell could I not?
Even ignoring the swollen belly.
Somewhere in there a baby miraculously appeared.
How could I pretend to not notice???
HR: "you can't say that. Take it out."
Ever wonder how much HR made at Compaq?
I looked.
Lots.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Friday, June 1, 2007
Helpful HR
Something you should know about Compaq.
Human Relations (HR) at Compaq had one job and one job only: make sure Compaq does not get sued.
Therefore, it was impossible to fire someone.
Example 1.
TB was a new hire. On the third day at work she came back from lunch drunk.
Not tipsy.
Drunk.
Four co-workers saw her drink 4 margaritas at lunch.
HR said it didn't count.
The co-workers might be plotting against her.
Had to be witnessed by a superior.
NOTE TO HR: anyone sober is superior to a drunk.
So we could not fire her.
We could "counsel" her.
After two or three more drunk sessions and counseling she finally quit.
But was never fired.
Or Compaq might get sued.
Example 2.
CM was a thief.
Everyone knew it.
Including his boss.
He bragged that he had one of every computer Compaq ever made in his garage.
He also drank vodka from water bottles as he walked around all day.
He was also accused of sexual harassment at least twice.
Once including groping.
Groping was a privilege reserved by Compaq for the VP of HR, Mr. Hands Gotcha.
Anyway, he was counseled and counseled but never fired for theft or harassment.
What was he fired for?
Seems that during an investigation into yet another harassment charge...
HE LIED TO HR.
Oh, my.
You can steal, you can grope, but you better not lie to HR.
When they finally fired him they said: "We know you have things that belong to Compaq.
Either bring them in tomorrow or we'll get a warrant for your arrest."
He brought back 4 flat dollies worth of stuff.
And this is just what he admitted to.
Makes you wonder what you had to do to get fired for stealing.
Example 3.
I had a tech I really needed to fire.
He was bad, missed work, rude to customers, you name it.
I documented everything.
Went to HR.
WHAT HR SAID:
"We need more documentation. IT'S HARD TO FIRE A BLACK PERSON. WE NEED TO MAKE VERY SURE EVERYTHING IS RIGHT OR THEY'LL SUE."
Me: "So, if this guy was white I could fire him?"
HR: "Yes. You have plenty here if he was white. But he's black so we need more."
Good old HR.
You could always count on them for support.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Even Tougher Security
Much later in my Compaq life:
Training manager needs to use a portable for traveling.
I'm now in a position of some authority so I get her a new one.
She checks it out, uses it for a month or so, brings it back.
Follow closely:
She checks it out at the 290 site.
Checks it in at the main campus.
Leaves the main campus and forgets to check it out.
Comes to my office at 290 and forgets to check it in.
All honest memory lapses.
She says: "I brought this back but forgot to check it in here."
Me: No problem.
I walk from my office down the hall to the entrance.
Tell the guard I want to check the portable in.
She scans it, says: "You can't. It's already checked in at main campus."
I try to explain what happens. She won't budge.
Finally, I give up and start to go to my office.
She says: "Sir, you can't take that to your office. It's not checked in here."
What am I supposed to do?
Her: "You need to take that back out to your car."
Wait. Wait. Wait....
A Compaq security person is insisting I take a new, high end portable home?
Ok. I can do that.
I used it for about a year.
Then brought it back.
But didn't check it in.
I wasn't smart enough to handle that.
Training manager needs to use a portable for traveling.
I'm now in a position of some authority so I get her a new one.
She checks it out, uses it for a month or so, brings it back.
Follow closely:
She checks it out at the 290 site.
Checks it in at the main campus.
Leaves the main campus and forgets to check it out.
Comes to my office at 290 and forgets to check it in.
All honest memory lapses.
She says: "I brought this back but forgot to check it in here."
Me: No problem.
I walk from my office down the hall to the entrance.
Tell the guard I want to check the portable in.
She scans it, says: "You can't. It's already checked in at main campus."
I try to explain what happens. She won't budge.
Finally, I give up and start to go to my office.
She says: "Sir, you can't take that to your office. It's not checked in here."
What am I supposed to do?
Her: "You need to take that back out to your car."
Wait. Wait. Wait....
A Compaq security person is insisting I take a new, high end portable home?
Ok. I can do that.
I used it for about a year.
Then brought it back.
But didn't check it in.
I wasn't smart enough to handle that.
Tough security
Somehow or some way, Compaq caught a few of the more brazen individuals trying to take entire server racks out of the warehouse.
It didn't matter that they were scrap.
It was still considered theft.
Compaq revised it's scrap procedure.
All valuable scrap (processors, drives, memory, etc.) now had to go into a locked bin.
The line supervisor had the key.
I needed parts for my latest project.
TG and I go "shopping."
And find the locked bin.
Damn. How am I going to get around this?
After many seconds of thought, I came up with an ingenious plan.
I went to the line supervisor and said:
"Can I have the key to the lock? I need to get some parts. IT'S FOR TRAINING."
No problem. Got the key, did my shopping, said thank you and left.
After that, the line supervisor would just hand me the key when he saw me.
Sorta gives you a warm, secure feeling all over, doesn't it?
It didn't matter that they were scrap.
It was still considered theft.
Compaq revised it's scrap procedure.
All valuable scrap (processors, drives, memory, etc.) now had to go into a locked bin.
The line supervisor had the key.
I needed parts for my latest project.
TG and I go "shopping."
And find the locked bin.
Damn. How am I going to get around this?
After many seconds of thought, I came up with an ingenious plan.
I went to the line supervisor and said:
"Can I have the key to the lock? I need to get some parts. IT'S FOR TRAINING."
No problem. Got the key, did my shopping, said thank you and left.
After that, the line supervisor would just hand me the key when he saw me.
Sorta gives you a warm, secure feeling all over, doesn't it?
Do It Yourself Kits...
We made many a run for "parts for training."
Picked up processors, memory, system boards, cases, etc.
Anything and everything that could go into a computer.
So I built my own.
First one was a Pentium 60.
As new processors came out, I just revisited the trash bins.
I stopped upgrading somewhere around the Pentium 200 mark.
Only because they transferred us to a new site.
What was so special about this?
Well, Compaq had a policy.
Employees could check out any computer they wish for home use.
All you needed was a serial number.
Hmmm.
Can't find that in the trash bin.
So I called a product manager, said: "How do I get a serial number."
He said: "Ask me."
Ok. I did.
He printed out the label, I stuck it on.
I'm done.
I checked that machine in and out many times.
Every time an upgrade was needed.
Some guys built entire servers from scrap.
I wasn't that ambitious.
The latest, fastest desktop was good enough.
Techs were building dozens of machines out of scrap material.
Some just had dedicated game machines in their cubes.
Some had servers at their desk and used Compaq internet bandwidth to run side businesses during work.
Then Compaq started getting serious about security in manufacturing.
Life took a dark turn.
Picked up processors, memory, system boards, cases, etc.
Anything and everything that could go into a computer.
So I built my own.
First one was a Pentium 60.
As new processors came out, I just revisited the trash bins.
I stopped upgrading somewhere around the Pentium 200 mark.
Only because they transferred us to a new site.
What was so special about this?
Well, Compaq had a policy.
Employees could check out any computer they wish for home use.
All you needed was a serial number.
Hmmm.
Can't find that in the trash bin.
So I called a product manager, said: "How do I get a serial number."
He said: "Ask me."
Ok. I did.
He printed out the label, I stuck it on.
I'm done.
I checked that machine in and out many times.
Every time an upgrade was needed.
Some guys built entire servers from scrap.
I wasn't that ambitious.
The latest, fastest desktop was good enough.
Techs were building dozens of machines out of scrap material.
Some just had dedicated game machines in their cubes.
Some had servers at their desk and used Compaq internet bandwidth to run side businesses during work.
Then Compaq started getting serious about security in manufacturing.
Life took a dark turn.
It's for training!
There was a trainer named Brian Weldon.
Few things you need to know about him:
He was a good trainer.
Honest.
Resourceful.
And knew nothing about the events he unwittingly enabled.
Brian was always short of training equipment for class.
A new processor or drive would be released and Brian would get one or two for class.
He'd need many more to complete things in a timely manner.
A fact you should know:
Modern manufacturing depends on speed.
In the computer world, a chip might have 389 pins, each about the thickness of a hair.
If one pin is bent the chip is thrown into scrap.
It costs too much in time and labor to stop and straighten this pin.
So there are huge bins of scrap parts.
Brian needs parts.
Brian talks to the supervisors in manufacturing and gets permission to take scrap parts for training.
Life is good.
And it's about to get better.
Brian needs help. So he recruits BG and myself.
I eventually recruit TG.
A couple of times a week we would accompany Brian on scavenger hunts.
After a while he got to busy so we just went on our own.
Brian told us the most magical words since ABRA CADABRA.
If anyone asks questions just "tell them it's for training."
Oh, man.
The genie came out of the bottle, the waters parted, the wishing well overflowed.
"tell them it's for training."
So we did. And did. And did.
To the point we had to get dollies to carry everything back "for training."
Few things you need to know about him:
He was a good trainer.
Honest.
Resourceful.
And knew nothing about the events he unwittingly enabled.
Brian was always short of training equipment for class.
A new processor or drive would be released and Brian would get one or two for class.
He'd need many more to complete things in a timely manner.
A fact you should know:
Modern manufacturing depends on speed.
In the computer world, a chip might have 389 pins, each about the thickness of a hair.
If one pin is bent the chip is thrown into scrap.
It costs too much in time and labor to stop and straighten this pin.
So there are huge bins of scrap parts.
Brian needs parts.
Brian talks to the supervisors in manufacturing and gets permission to take scrap parts for training.
Life is good.
And it's about to get better.
Brian needs help. So he recruits BG and myself.
I eventually recruit TG.
A couple of times a week we would accompany Brian on scavenger hunts.
After a while he got to busy so we just went on our own.
Brian told us the most magical words since ABRA CADABRA.
If anyone asks questions just "tell them it's for training."
Oh, man.
The genie came out of the bottle, the waters parted, the wishing well overflowed.
"tell them it's for training."
So we did. And did. And did.
To the point we had to get dollies to carry everything back "for training."
Monday, May 21, 2007
It's the fashion
Dress code for techs at the main campus was simple.
First shift: Dress clothes with tie. Women were exempt from the tie.
Second shift: Same until about 6 pm. Then the ties came off because corporate people left.
Third shift: Pretty much whatever they wanted. No one spot checks third shift.
Then tech support is moved to Siberia:
A new building, formally a manufacturing plant off of 290, is leased and fitted out for tech support.
By the way, it is not true that the building was leased from the CEO. Definitely not true.
It was lease from the company he owned.
There's a difference.
In Siberia, you could pretty much dress how you wanted.
Jeans were standard.
In summer time, shorts were standard.
Which led to my first and only fashion creation: geek shorts.
We had a guy, pure geek and fat, who wore shorts every day. Every day they would crawl up the crack of his ass. So he would walk down the hall with the inside length of his shorts two inches shorter than the outside.
So I've designed some shorts that start with the inside length 2 inches longer.
Then, when mid-day comes and he leaves for lunch, the bottom of his shorts look level.
===========================
New definition:
TG: She was wearing a one piece garment.
Like a blouse and skirt but all one piece.
You know, they were attached.
I guess you could call it a MONOSKIRT.
Me: Oh. You mean a dress?
TG: Uh.....yeah.
First shift: Dress clothes with tie. Women were exempt from the tie.
Second shift: Same until about 6 pm. Then the ties came off because corporate people left.
Third shift: Pretty much whatever they wanted. No one spot checks third shift.
Then tech support is moved to Siberia:
A new building, formally a manufacturing plant off of 290, is leased and fitted out for tech support.
By the way, it is not true that the building was leased from the CEO. Definitely not true.
It was lease from the company he owned.
There's a difference.
In Siberia, you could pretty much dress how you wanted.
Jeans were standard.
In summer time, shorts were standard.
Which led to my first and only fashion creation: geek shorts.
We had a guy, pure geek and fat, who wore shorts every day. Every day they would crawl up the crack of his ass. So he would walk down the hall with the inside length of his shorts two inches shorter than the outside.
So I've designed some shorts that start with the inside length 2 inches longer.
Then, when mid-day comes and he leaves for lunch, the bottom of his shorts look level.
===========================
New definition:
TG: She was wearing a one piece garment.
Like a blouse and skirt but all one piece.
You know, they were attached.
I guess you could call it a MONOSKIRT.
Me: Oh. You mean a dress?
TG: Uh.....yeah.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The Trainer
At first you could count on Compaq to provide qualified people to train you.
Experts, sometimes the design engineers themselves, would lead the class.
This lasted about a year. Maybe less.
Then came the warm body phase:
Can we get a warm body up there to lead the class through the PowerPoint presentation they already have as a printout?
Uh, yeah. No problem.
Not being completely fair. There were a couple of really good trainers.
But not many.
===================
TG was loaned to training to present a brand new product. He worked his butt off.
Presented a knowledgeable class, had all the answers, got great reviews.
Then he found out training wouldn't keep him full time.
He said it was because he didn't have a degree.
I said it was because he was 1. an ass and 2. holder of the longest ponytail record at Compaq.
====================
Anyway, at one point we had a female trainer.
Her initials were MM. Really.
During the intro to our class, which was made up of supervisors, she told us that she had become angry at someone in the store parking lot the day before and "took my key and keyed his car from front to back."
Seriously.
Care to know what she is doing now?
She's a manager in Human Resources at HP.
=====================
Two things that were guaranteed to happen in a training class at Compaq:
1. The trainer would say: "I don't know the answer. I'll find it and get back to you."
2. The trainer would be lying. There is no historical or archaeological evidence of a Compaq trainer ever getting back to someone with an answer.
Why?
I don't know. They are gonna get back to me on that.
Experts, sometimes the design engineers themselves, would lead the class.
This lasted about a year. Maybe less.
Then came the warm body phase:
Can we get a warm body up there to lead the class through the PowerPoint presentation they already have as a printout?
Uh, yeah. No problem.
Not being completely fair. There were a couple of really good trainers.
But not many.
===================
TG was loaned to training to present a brand new product. He worked his butt off.
Presented a knowledgeable class, had all the answers, got great reviews.
Then he found out training wouldn't keep him full time.
He said it was because he didn't have a degree.
I said it was because he was 1. an ass and 2. holder of the longest ponytail record at Compaq.
====================
Anyway, at one point we had a female trainer.
Her initials were MM. Really.
During the intro to our class, which was made up of supervisors, she told us that she had become angry at someone in the store parking lot the day before and "took my key and keyed his car from front to back."
Seriously.
Care to know what she is doing now?
She's a manager in Human Resources at HP.
=====================
Two things that were guaranteed to happen in a training class at Compaq:
1. The trainer would say: "I don't know the answer. I'll find it and get back to you."
2. The trainer would be lying. There is no historical or archaeological evidence of a Compaq trainer ever getting back to someone with an answer.
Why?
I don't know. They are gonna get back to me on that.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Today's real event...
I had to place a call to HP tech support today.
Here is how the new support works.
"On the phone over an hour with HP.
I looked up and ran diags on the unit.
Had harddrive failure.
Called HP.
Went through the "I can't help you, let me transfer you" scenario with a non-English speaking joke. Second non-English speaking joke said "they shouldn't have transferred you." I went ballistic. Got supervisor.
Supervisor: "Oops." In non-English.
Transferred me back to non-English speaking joke.
She built case.
Now I'm on hold for hardware department.
Because to ship out a hard drive they need a credit card.
To make sure they get it back.
Held for 20 minutes.
Then get another non-English speaking joke.
To verify everything I just told them.
I'm going to give them a non-English speaking credit card.
What a joke.
Here is how the new support works.
"On the phone over an hour with HP.
I looked up and ran diags on the unit.
Had harddrive failure.
Called HP.
Went through the "I can't help you, let me transfer you" scenario with a non-English speaking joke. Second non-English speaking joke said "they shouldn't have transferred you." I went ballistic. Got supervisor.
Supervisor: "Oops." In non-English.
Transferred me back to non-English speaking joke.
She built case.
Now I'm on hold for hardware department.
Because to ship out a hard drive they need a credit card.
To make sure they get it back.
Held for 20 minutes.
Then get another non-English speaking joke.
To verify everything I just told them.
I'm going to give them a non-English speaking credit card.
What a joke.
Sometimes they are crazy
Sometimes your customer is just crazy.
Seriously. Crazy people like to call tech support so they can talk to someone.
One guy kept calling in with bogus errors.
We never could find anything wrong.
Still, to please the customer, we sent out software.
Once or twice we even changed a part that we knew was still good.
All in trying to keep the man happy.
Nothing worked.
I'd been promoted (don't laugh) by this time to supervisor of an internal group.
And program manager of an outsource group.
So I had all his calls routed to me.
And I did some research, calling our onsite techs to get info.
Turns out his guy lived in a mobile home on a farm doing chores for some old lady.
No phone.
No friends.
No visitors.
The only way he could feel important was to get tech support to send someone out.
I handled all of his calls after that.
He would beg whoever answered the phone not to send him to me.
Why?
Because I said no to any further support.
And that was his whole life.
After a few months of this he bought a Dell.
Another customer was escalated to me as being slightly insane.
He would speak normally until you told him "no" on something.
Then he started crying. Loudly.
It got to the point where as soon as they told him he was being transferred to me he started crying.
There was never anything wrong with his unit. He just liked to call tech support and talk.
One customer told me if I said no one more time he would bring a shotgun and meet me at the front door.
He was in Michigan.
I'm in Houston, Tx.
Told him to come on down.
Everyone carries a shotgun in Texas.
Another customer called to say our computer killed his cat.
Really.
He turned on the computer one day and the cat died.
Too much RAM, I guess.
Seriously. Crazy people like to call tech support so they can talk to someone.
One guy kept calling in with bogus errors.
We never could find anything wrong.
Still, to please the customer, we sent out software.
Once or twice we even changed a part that we knew was still good.
All in trying to keep the man happy.
Nothing worked.
I'd been promoted (don't laugh) by this time to supervisor of an internal group.
And program manager of an outsource group.
So I had all his calls routed to me.
And I did some research, calling our onsite techs to get info.
Turns out his guy lived in a mobile home on a farm doing chores for some old lady.
No phone.
No friends.
No visitors.
The only way he could feel important was to get tech support to send someone out.
I handled all of his calls after that.
He would beg whoever answered the phone not to send him to me.
Why?
Because I said no to any further support.
And that was his whole life.
After a few months of this he bought a Dell.
Another customer was escalated to me as being slightly insane.
He would speak normally until you told him "no" on something.
Then he started crying. Loudly.
It got to the point where as soon as they told him he was being transferred to me he started crying.
There was never anything wrong with his unit. He just liked to call tech support and talk.
One customer told me if I said no one more time he would bring a shotgun and meet me at the front door.
He was in Michigan.
I'm in Houston, Tx.
Told him to come on down.
Everyone carries a shotgun in Texas.
Another customer called to say our computer killed his cat.
Really.
He turned on the computer one day and the cat died.
Too much RAM, I guess.
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