Even Tougher Security

Much later in my Compaq life:
Training manager needs to use a portable for traveling.
I'm now in a position of some authority so I get her a new one.
She checks it out, uses it for a month or so, brings it back.

Follow closely:
She checks it out at the 290 site.
Checks it in at the main campus.
Leaves the main campus and forgets to check it out.
Comes to my office at 290 and forgets to check it in.
All honest memory lapses.

She says: "I brought this back but forgot to check it in here."
Me: No problem.

I walk from my office down the hall to the entrance.
Tell the guard I want to check the portable in.
She scans it, says: "You can't. It's already checked in at main campus."

I try to explain what happens. She won't budge.

Finally, I give up and start to go to my office.
She says: "Sir, you can't take that to your office. It's not checked in here."

What am I supposed to do?

Her: "You need to take that back out to your car."

Wait. Wait. Wait....

A Compaq security person is insisting I take a new, high end portable home?

Ok. I can do that.

I used it for about a year.

Then brought it back.
But didn't check it in.
I wasn't smart enough to handle that.

Tough security

Somehow or some way, Compaq caught a few of the more brazen individuals trying to take entire server racks out of the warehouse.
It didn't matter that they were scrap.
It was still considered theft.

Compaq revised it's scrap procedure.
All valuable scrap (processors, drives, memory, etc.) now had to go into a locked bin.
The line supervisor had the key.

I needed parts for my latest project.

TG and I go "shopping."

And find the locked bin.

Damn. How am I going to get around this?

After many seconds of thought, I came up with an ingenious plan.
I went to the line supervisor and said:
"Can I have the key to the lock? I need to get some parts. IT'S FOR TRAINING."

No problem. Got the key, did my shopping, said thank you and left.

After that, the line supervisor would just hand me the key when he saw me.

Sorta gives you a warm, secure feeling all over, doesn't it?

Do It Yourself Kits...

We made many a run for "parts for training."
Picked up processors, memory, system boards, cases, etc.
Anything and everything that could go into a computer.

So I built my own.
First one was a Pentium 60.
As new processors came out, I just revisited the trash bins.
I stopped upgrading somewhere around the Pentium 200 mark.
Only because they transferred us to a new site.

What was so special about this?
Well, Compaq had a policy.
Employees could check out any computer they wish for home use.
All you needed was a serial number.

Hmmm.
Can't find that in the trash bin.
So I called a product manager, said: "How do I get a serial number."
He said: "Ask me."
Ok. I did.
He printed out the label, I stuck it on.
I'm done.
I checked that machine in and out many times.
Every time an upgrade was needed.

Some guys built entire servers from scrap.

I wasn't that ambitious.
The latest, fastest desktop was good enough.

Techs were building dozens of machines out of scrap material.
Some just had dedicated game machines in their cubes.
Some had servers at their desk and used Compaq internet bandwidth to run side businesses during work.

Then Compaq started getting serious about security in manufacturing.
Life took a dark turn.

It's for training!

There was a trainer named Brian Weldon.
Few things you need to know about him:
He was a good trainer.
Honest.
Resourceful.
And knew nothing about the events he unwittingly enabled.

Brian was always short of training equipment for class.
A new processor or drive would be released and Brian would get one or two for class.
He'd need many more to complete things in a timely manner.

A fact you should know:
Modern manufacturing depends on speed.
In the computer world, a chip might have 389 pins, each about the thickness of a hair.
If one pin is bent the chip is thrown into scrap.
It costs too much in time and labor to stop and straighten this pin.

So there are huge bins of scrap parts.

Brian needs parts.

Brian talks to the supervisors in manufacturing and gets permission to take scrap parts for training.

Life is good.

And it's about to get better.

Brian needs help. So he recruits BG and myself.
I eventually recruit TG.

A couple of times a week we would accompany Brian on scavenger hunts.
After a while he got to busy so we just went on our own.

Brian told us the most magical words since ABRA CADABRA.

If anyone asks questions just "tell them it's for training."

Oh, man.

The genie came out of the bottle, the waters parted, the wishing well overflowed.

"tell them it's for training."

So we did. And did. And did.

To the point we had to get dollies to carry everything back "for training."

It's the fashion

Dress code for techs at the main campus was simple.
First shift: Dress clothes with tie. Women were exempt from the tie.
Second shift: Same until about 6 pm. Then the ties came off because corporate people left.
Third shift: Pretty much whatever they wanted. No one spot checks third shift.

Then tech support is moved to Siberia:
A new building, formally a manufacturing plant off of 290, is leased and fitted out for tech support.

By the way, it is not true that the building was leased from the CEO. Definitely not true.
It was lease from the company he owned.
There's a difference.

In Siberia, you could pretty much dress how you wanted.
Jeans were standard.
In summer time, shorts were standard.

Which led to my first and only fashion creation: geek shorts.

We had a guy, pure geek and fat, who wore shorts every day. Every day they would crawl up the crack of his ass. So he would walk down the hall with the inside length of his shorts two inches shorter than the outside.
So I've designed some shorts that start with the inside length 2 inches longer.
Then, when mid-day comes and he leaves for lunch, the bottom of his shorts look level.
===========================
New definition:
TG: She was wearing a one piece garment.
Like a blouse and skirt but all one piece.
You know, they were attached.
I guess you could call it a MONOSKIRT.

Me: Oh. You mean a dress?

TG: Uh.....yeah.

The Trainer

At first you could count on Compaq to provide qualified people to train you.
Experts, sometimes the design engineers themselves, would lead the class.

This lasted about a year. Maybe less.

Then came the warm body phase:
Can we get a warm body up there to lead the class through the PowerPoint presentation they already have as a printout?

Uh, yeah. No problem.

Not being completely fair. There were a couple of really good trainers.
But not many.
===================
TG was loaned to training to present a brand new product. He worked his butt off.
Presented a knowledgeable class, had all the answers, got great reviews.

Then he found out training wouldn't keep him full time.
He said it was because he didn't have a degree.
I said it was because he was 1. an ass and 2. holder of the longest ponytail record at Compaq.
====================
Anyway, at one point we had a female trainer.
Her initials were MM. Really.
During the intro to our class, which was made up of supervisors, she told us that she had become angry at someone in the store parking lot the day before and "took my key and keyed his car from front to back."

Seriously.

Care to know what she is doing now?

She's a manager in Human Resources at HP.
=====================
Two things that were guaranteed to happen in a training class at Compaq:
1. The trainer would say: "I don't know the answer. I'll find it and get back to you."
2. The trainer would be lying. There is no historical or archaeological evidence of a Compaq trainer ever getting back to someone with an answer.

Why?
I don't know. They are gonna get back to me on that.

Today's real event...

I had to place a call to HP tech support today.
Here is how the new support works.

"On the phone over an hour with HP.
I looked up and ran diags on the unit.
Had harddrive failure.
Called HP.
Went through the "I can't help you, let me transfer you" scenario with a non-English speaking joke. Second non-English speaking joke said "they shouldn't have transferred you." I went ballistic. Got supervisor.
Supervisor: "Oops." In non-English.
Transferred me back to non-English speaking joke.
She built case.
Now I'm on hold for hardware department.
Because to ship out a hard drive they need a credit card.
To make sure they get it back.
Held for 20 minutes.
Then get another non-English speaking joke.
To verify everything I just told them.

I'm going to give them a non-English speaking credit card.
What a joke.

Sometimes they are crazy

Sometimes your customer is just crazy.

Seriously. Crazy people like to call tech support so they can talk to someone.

One guy kept calling in with bogus errors.
We never could find anything wrong.
Still, to please the customer, we sent out software.
Once or twice we even changed a part that we knew was still good.
All in trying to keep the man happy.

Nothing worked.
I'd been promoted (don't laugh) by this time to supervisor of an internal group.
And program manager of an outsource group.

So I had all his calls routed to me.
And I did some research, calling our onsite techs to get info.

Turns out his guy lived in a mobile home on a farm doing chores for some old lady.
No phone.
No friends.
No visitors.
The only way he could feel important was to get tech support to send someone out.

I handled all of his calls after that.
He would beg whoever answered the phone not to send him to me.

Why?
Because I said no to any further support.
And that was his whole life.

After a few months of this he bought a Dell.

Another customer was escalated to me as being slightly insane.
He would speak normally until you told him "no" on something.
Then he started crying. Loudly.
It got to the point where as soon as they told him he was being transferred to me he started crying.

There was never anything wrong with his unit. He just liked to call tech support and talk.

One customer told me if I said no one more time he would bring a shotgun and meet me at the front door.

He was in Michigan.
I'm in Houston, Tx.

Told him to come on down.
Everyone carries a shotgun in Texas.

Another customer called to say our computer killed his cat.
Really.
He turned on the computer one day and the cat died.
Too much RAM, I guess.

Field support

Our onsite service was contracted out to a company called Bell Atlantic.
Home of both the stupidest and the brightest techs out there.

Stupid tech scenario: Telling the customer that you had never seen that particular model.
Had no training on it.
And did the customer have any idea how to open the unit?

That really impressed the customer.

Some where very good.
But their stories are rarely funny.

The BA tech was only required to swap the failed part. No testing, no diagnostics, nuthin'.
Like changing a spare tire and leaving.

This really irritated a number of people.
Often the problem was misdiagnosed in the first place and the replaced part didn't fix it.
The customer wanted the BA tech to stay and fix it.

Nope. Can't do it. It's not in the contract.

One tech changed out a part. Problem not fixed. He told customer.
Customer said: "Stay and fix it."

Tech: No

The customer, being rational, took the next logical step:
He kidnapped the tech.

This was a business, the computer was in an internal room with a deadbolt.
The customer locked him in there until he fixed the computer.
Luckily the tech had a cell phone. He called us.
We said: Call the police.
He did. Customer was arrested for false imprisonment.
And the computer still didn't work.

One tech refused to enter a house to do the repairs.
Customer complained bitterly.
We found the tech, asked him why.

His answer:"The man answered the door nude and carrying a shotgun. I decided to leave."

Yup. I would too.

Corporate ain't that bright

Used to be when you bought a computer you got a full set of disks with all the software on it.
That got too expensive so the customer had to start calling in and requesting them.
Sometimes for extra money.

The idea came up: all our units now have CD players.
Why not make a self-booting CD that will restore all the original software automatically?

Corporate: Can't do it. Our engineers say it's not feasible.
(Translation: don't bother me. I don't want to take this flaky idea and risk my career.)

So...

Two of our techs, on their own, designed, created and tested the first of what was to be know as QuickRestore CDs.

Worked like a champ.

Corporate took their example, NOW liked the idea, and suddenly thousands were being printed for every model.

What did the brilliant techs get as a bonus?

Thanks guys. Great idea.

Now get back on the phones.

This ain't dirt.

Being from a long time construction background, some of my language was not fit for the corporate world.
BG developed a routine that helped me remember where I was.
If I spoke improperly, he would either point at the ground or stamp his foot and say:
"This ain't dirt."
Meaning I was no longer in the rough world of construction.
And I appreciated it.
It was very helpful.

One day I came around the corner and looked in BG's cube.
He was talking to a customer.
And sitting back.
Shoes off.
Socks off.
Clipping his toenails.

I just looked and left.

Thinking: Ok. It ain't dirt.

But apparently it is a barn.

Amazing what you can get away with when the customer can't see you.

On the phones....

Tech support via phone is a challenge.
You basically try and diagnose problems described by someone who has little knowledge of the computer.
Lots of guessing goin' on.

One tech likened it to a doctor diagnosing a patient over the phone.
I don't agree.
Doctors only have to deal with two models (male/female).
And those models haven't been upgraded in millenia.

One big hit to the ego is you know every call is going to be a complaint.
No one calls 'cuz they are happy.
It does tend to put the techs in a bad mood.

For example:
TG (You'll hear about TG a lot. I asked him to contribute to this but he won't. So I'm going to not only tell his stories but tell stories about him).

Anyway....

We all had scripts to use when answering the phone.
Basically: "Thank you for calling Compaq Technical Support. My name is XXX. How may I help you?"

There are a few things wrong with that:
1. It's too long. Our calls were timed.
2. The customer doesn't want to wait for you to finish.
3. They didn't want to call, so they didn't like being thanked.

So I shortened mine to "Compaq Tech Support."

Then "Tech Support"

One day, for reasons still unknown, I answered it "Taco Bell."

The customer never noticed.

Special Education

Realizing my shortcomings, they transferred me to evenings for one week.
Every night an expert in a particular matter would spend two hours going over that subject.
So each night I had four 2 hour classes.
It was great.
By Friday I had 10 hours on system buses, 10 hours on modems and communication, 10 hours on data storage, etc. Not to mention the misc. facts and trivia that crept into each class.
It was the second best thing Compaq ever did for me. Second only to hiring in the first place.

Things of note:
Techs on second shift are better than techs on first.
They have to work with less supervision and fewer resources.

Techs on third shift are best of all.

I never made it to second shift.
Much less third.

Other things:
Second shift has the most fun.
Plenty of people, less supervision, no corporate types wandering in.
Far, far more koosh ball and nerf gun wars.
Towards the end of the evening they have more time to play 'cuz customers were going to bed.

Third shift has the best games.
Few people on staff
They tend to sit apart from each other.
So they played a lot of computer games and a lot of online group games.
They also tear up the most computers.
No one around to stop them, they like to experiment, so...

Anyway, when the week was over I actually had an idea of what I was supposed to know before they ever hired me.

Just an idea.

The customers had to teach me the rest.

Training Classes. And Training Wheels.

Each class for the new hires had about 30 to 40 people.
We radiated geek.
Like any group of techs we covered the spectrum.

There were the really, really smart ones:
They built their own units, which was not unusual then.
But they also tested each chip with an oscilloscope.
And volt meter.
And their computers were never quite finished because there was always something new going in.
And they could tell the modem connect speed just by listening to the noise.

There was the middle group:
Really good techs.
Some built their own units and actually finished them.
They knew all the Microsoft software.
Knew bits, bytes and 1's and 0's, cables and power supplies.
And they ALL knew modems.

At the bottom end there was:
Me.
And one other guy.
As a computer tech I was a damned fine construction worker.
I don't know the other guy's background but he was as lost as I was.

But I could still sit in a cube and answer a phone.
Which was the most important thing.

So they put me on the short bus.

Remedial education.

Special ed.

Segregated from the rest of the group.

I bought a beanie cap with a propeller to celebrate...

Please Hold....

I hate that these ideas come out of order but....

Hold times...
Compaq still could not get a handle on tech support call volumes. Hold times often hit an hour or more. Many, many times you would answer the next call and find the person asleep on the line. Snoring.
We'd yell and whistle and tap the phone to wake them up. After about a minute or so of this we just hung up.
After all, our phone stats ruled.

We would occasionally answer the call to hear people having sex. Being basically male, we'd listen for a minute before saying anything. Then we'd start trying to get their attention.

What never ceased to amaze me was that every single time we interrupted a sexual activity, they would stop in mid-action and start screaming "Wait! Don't hang up! " as they ran for the phone.

Some people need tech support more than others, I guess.

One of the big lies: You get these phone systems that say: "For more information press 3. You will not lose your place in line if you do so."

Yeah. That's a lie. I asked about it once. Answer: " Of course they lose their place in line. Don't be stupid. But our hold times are so long anyway it doesn't really matter."

Oh. Ok.

There are so many tech support stories out there I'm not going to repeat them.
I will give you one of mine:
Customer: If I unplug my computer will the information drain out?
Me: ( I had this vision of bits and bytes draining out the power cord. Little 1's and 0's. I wanted to tell them to hold the end of the cord above their head while they moved the computer. Sorta like an IV bottle.) "No. We pack it on the disc fairly well."

More, and less, equal than others

I'm trying to post these in basically the same order they happened but some stories just won't wait...

1. Compaq introduced an all in one consumer portable called the Presario 425. Big announcement. The president, the aforementioned Eckerd Pilsner (EP), went on some tv show in Europe to discuss it. They asked him to demonstrate its functionality.
He couldn't. At all.

The President and CEO of Compaq Computer was totally computer illiterate. He was embarassed on European TV.

How illiterate was he? Every day his secretary printed out his emails, handed the hard copy to him to read, then answered his email for him.

2. Speaking of the great and mighty EP, when Rod Canion ran Compaq, executives did not get reserved parking. This didn't work for EP. He immediately had designated parking created.

But wait! There's more!

One day I noticed a Porsche parked in the Handicap spot but without a handicap sticker. I asked the security guard about it. Turns out that whenever EP traveled he parked his car in the Handicap spot nearest the guard station so it could be watched.

You have to give him credit though. His Porsche was a stick shift and he knew how to drive it much, much better than he knew how to use a computer.

Me? Well, hell. I got to touch the Porsche. And no, I don't know how the Happy Face ended up drawn on it's window.

What Women Want

There was a lovely lady named RW. Beautiful. Friendly. More importantly (well, maybe) she was a good tech. Respected by all.
Surprisingly, we got along well.
One day she stopped by my cube and started telling me about some problem she was working on. It had more to do with people and processes than tech.
She lists her problems and complaints and such.
I start to make a suggestion or two.
She said: "I don't want your help. I don't want your ideas. I just want you to listen while I vent. That's all. So please just listen."
Oh.
Ok.
So for the next 5 minutes I pretended I was married to RW. She kept talking, I kept pretending to listen.
Worked out great.

The Training Class

They had a class on installation and removal of hardware. The test unit was a Presario 800 series tower. I was the least experienced man in the room. So, of course, they called me up to show "how to remove a CD drive from the chasis."
My one thought: " Oh, shit. Everyone is going to know I'm a fake."
I go up to the table, properly remove the screws, and GENTLY push on the back of the CD drive. The drive then proceded to FLY out of the chasis and land about 10 inches away on the table. Great. I was ready for the laughter.
Only comment made: "Yeah, you can tell he's a field tech." That's all. No laughter, nothing.
It was right then that I realized two things:
1. Everyone assumes that everyone else is a real tech.
2. Because of this, I could bluff my way through anything.
And I did.

The Interviews

Compaq is hiring en masse. I'm desperate to get into the computer world so I apply. I'm the least qualified person I know. (So bad that, after I was hired, after work I would walk out to the car with TG and make him explain to me what I had done that day. Sometimes that took a few margaritas.)
Anyway, for some reason I get a phone interview. I get about 50% of the questions right. Surprisingly, this gets me called in for a face to face interview.
Me and everyone else that can walk in. It looked like clearance day at the candy store. Or sale day at Fry's.
I interviewed with 3 or 4 people. Can't remember now. Again, I got about half right.
Figured I was doomed.
I wasn't aware at the time but Compaq was in desperate need of BIAS. BIAS means Butts In A Seat. Someone to answer the phone, even if they don't exactly know what they are doing.
Well, I can answer a phone.
And I usually don't know what I'm doing.
So I was hired.
THE CLOUDS PARTED. SUN SHONE FROM THE HEAVENS. ALL WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.
I was a Compaq tech support agent.
Life was good.
Compaq was doomed.

Thank God for Teenage Girls

There she was. Using her fancy new Compaq computer. Only it didn't work. So she called tech support. And waited. And waited. For two hours. Being a typical teenager, she then hung up and called.....Daddy.
Daddy happened to be on the board of directors for Compaq. Daddy called the President of Compaq, here lovingly referred to by the fictitious name of Eckerd Pilsner (EP). And Daddy yelled. EP listened. He then hung up and started calling everyone below him....
Compaq suddenly had a massive hiring of over 200 tech support agents. Geeks and geek wannabes came from miles around. Heaven had just opened its gates.
Geeks flooded in. Mass interviews were held. People who barely knew how to use Windows 3.1 were applying. And getting hired (more on my story later.)
During this massive influx, Compaq hired and eventually promoted to positions of authority the people who make the title of this book possible.
It was April, 1994.....